November 20th 2018
Holding frustration, our own and others’
Yesterday was a grey day. Particularly, I had a session I wasn’t satisfied with. The session was with a 23-year-old young man. […] In brief, he was struggling to leave his family nest where he’s comfortable but doesn’t feel accomplished. His situation is messed up because even though he feels like he wants to get out of there, in order to do that he has to make an effort that implies giving up that family system and that’s not at all easy at an emotional level. Does he have the strength to give all that up? Not yet.
In the last session, we agreed that he will dedicate one hour a day to look for a job. The result: He hasn’t put any time to
look for a job. He says there are other activities coming up, which he prioritizes, like going out with friends, running, practicing with his band, the leisure club, sleeping until late… He likes those activities, but then he feels remorse.
I feel stuck in the process with him, and that creates me frustration. I feel his “failure” as mine. I analyse this frustration and observe the limitations of my work. The main limitation that I see is that I give him the tools, but I can’t do his work, I can’t live his life.
In his case, I can’t make him leave the family nest. And that hurts. It hurts because I see someone that’s trying, but needs fuel, needs more fire to jump, to be in more need. That pain I see in him,
I see it in myself, it reflects my own limitations. And there we are the two of us, each one in a different place, but sharing the same disruptive emotion of frustration that arises from those limitations.
When I finished the session, I spent hours and hours thinking about it, analysing what hurts, why I feel dissatisfied with the work I’m doing with him. I see that there is some impatience in me, that I want things to go well in the first try. I also see my lack: I can’t know everything, I can’t do everything, and it’s this lack where I see my fragility, my limitations, my smallness, my vulnerability. I am vulnerable, I can’t meet my own inner expectation of “savior of others.” I fall down, and life tells me that it is above all my efforts and
my work. Life asks me to be humble, and to give up my “savior” role. It tells me to “relax and accept it.”
Sometimes, I get confused and I think that I’m the solution. And this is a beginner’s mistake. He is the solution. As a tool, I only make things easier, so he can move forward. And this makes me feel light and removes the excessive responsibility I feel for others.
I will keep you informed
on how I’m navigating
the seas of empowerment.