March 4th, 2019
Punishment
We consider that the “punishment” has to be consequent with what the student has done. Punish them leaving the student without a particular space without further justification, is maybe not the way to make things better. I think that when a student does something bad and gets punished, usually he/she gets more anxious or upset, and in that state we can’t work any conflicts. Normally, when a student does something incorrect, leaves the classroom and goes to another one to wait for a teacher to come and expects he/she will be getting a good telling-off. When I come in a room, at the very beginning they would always say (not
anymore because they know me now): What? You’re gonna give me hell, aren’t you? I normally say: No, I came to see how you are. Just by saying that, their attitude changes because they don’t expect that you came to see how they were. They already know that they have done something bad, and they expect a telling-off, a lecture, or whatever. They see you as the enemy that doesn’t understand them. They already know they have done wrong. Maybe they don’t know why they did it, but everybody can tell when they have done something bad to someone or when someone is so anxious that they can’t control themselves.
I try to break with those thoughts and ask them how they are. If I see that they look up at me, I often ask them if I can
sit with them. Usually, they say yes or someone says: Do what you want! But to that I say: Oh, of course, I will have a seat then. I tell them in every moment what I’m doing, trying to break through their expectations of what will happen next. I know that in that moment they don’t need a punishment or a lecture because they are anxious and they don’t even listen to what I say. So, I choose to look for closeness with affection. Even though I know what they did is wrong, this is not the moment to deal with that because I would put them against me, and that’s not my objective. My objective is that they stop seeing me as the enemy, and feel me closer, so we can talk or at least they feel less alone.
Otherwise, if they say: I don’t want you to sit here or get out of here! I say: Okay,
I understand you want to be alone, so if you need anything I will be at the teacher’s lounge! I tell them this so I express that I understand that they want to be alone, that maybe they feel ashamed or that they don’t want to talk about it. To some I say: There’s no need to talk, but I would like to make you company! I tell them this because I think no one likes to be alone when they are sad or upset. It usually works because they don’t reject me. Some take a chair for me, others make some space, others just look at me more, and there are others that ask me why I haven’t sit yet.
Once I have become closer, I say nothing and wait for them to speak first. (…) I make them realize that that’s their moment to speak, they have the opportunity to express themselves freely
without being judged when explaining themselves. I never interrupt them. Sometimes I ask them something to see if they know how their actions make the other person feel, but I do it rarely because in that moment I’m only interested in knowing what’s going on with them. Normally this is a long process because it’s hard for them to trust me for those things. First they need to be relaxed, and then they need to know that you can listen. Sitting at the same level as them is very important; if I’m standing up and they are sitting, that doesn’t create an atmosphere of trust.
When you, as an adult, let them be without asking them to stop (because frequently they can’t stop, they need to vent all that energy somehow, even if the way is not the most appropriate), they
also get surprised and deep down they are grateful that you let them be (as long as everything is more or less under control). The thing is that the fact of sharing any of this student-teacher situations make students see you as someone who listens to them even in the more stressful or conflictive moments, and see a small spark of understanding. (…)
All these situations help the student to see me as equals. Sometimes, to start the conversation I tell them how I feel: I’m worried about you because I don’t know what the matter is, I would like you to explain me what happened. When I express this concern, they notice that someone worries about them, and that makes them feel important or closer to me. But that doesn’t always work.